FRIDAY 13

For me, overall life is so complicated, unpredictable. Sometimes it's normal, like a roller-coaster, or sometimes it's so monotonous. As the time goes by, no matter what happens, I always try so hard to better up myself and I keep finding ways doing things I love, like a little bit exercise though it's not consistent yet, a little cook for myself, reading bunch of books, or drinking a cup of tea in the peaceful morning. I simply aware that the simplest routines and consistency will magically get me where I wanna be. I just try to live my very best life. And, what is my version of the best life? Actually for the longest time I have been trying to make sense of life, sometimes I just think that life is so ugly because how can we pay just to live in this universe!!! Even when we died we also have to PAY and imagine in this large land there are still a lot of 'homeless people'. Seems we live in a scam society, I MEAN WE RIOT HAHAHA.  I also sometimes think that I've...

So it goes... Do you ever feel like you are always ignored as if you don't exist because you're a -weird quiet being- who doesn't respond in words but rather with a confused, nervous response? Merasa paling beda sendiri di suatu lingkungan (berbeda dalam konotasi negatif), paling susah approached, paling susah bergaul, yang padahal orang lain itu ngga butuh terlalu banyak effort untuk melakukan hal yang menurut kita sangat sulit kita lakukan. Sad right..? When we found difficulty in the simplest or most common things in this world. To be honest.. Everybody is just really nice to me, always approaching me first, and always trying to talk about something with me which I appreciate, but WHY is it so difficult for me to become more confident, articulate, and advanced at everything I should do, at everything that literally most people can do easily do that? Sometimes, I just feel bad for myself and for everyone around me.. And to be frankly, I don't like this part of me....

Karena kalau terlalu sering, orang jadi berpikir ‘less’ tentangmu and its annoying tho kalau kamu minta maaf padahal itu bukan salahmu. “Maaf bukan ini yang aku maksud” “Maaf ganggu, aku mau nanya” And, so on. Kita paham jika seseorang dikit-dikit minta maaf, itu berarti mereka ingin trying to be nice tapi itu kadang malah jadi exhausting and irritating at the same time. I’ve been there karena ‘jaga-jaga aja siapa tahu orang tersebut sakit hati karena perkataan/perbuatanku yang nggak ku sadari’ but its wrong, kesannya seperti pleasing people. If you say “I’m sorry” for every little thing now, your apologies will carry less weight later on — for situations that really warrant a sincere apology ( lessens the impact of future apologies ). Dan juga bisa melemahkan self-esteem (harga diri atau evaluasi diri) kita dan less confident. Apakah kita termasuk orang yang terlalu banyak minta maaf? Bagaimana ‘yang terlalu’ itu? Jadi, jika kamu menghadapi sesuatu yang nggak bisa kamu control, there’...

Tombol block, unfollow, mute, hide, bukanlah sebuah " childish things ", justru menurutku itu adalah bentuk penerapan dari personal boundaries. Tombol tersebut 'ada' ya memang ada fungsinya untuk menjaga diri dari yang menurut kita mengganggu, silakan saja gunakan tombol tersebut secara bijak, toh hal tersebut juga tidak merugikan siapa pun. Misalnya ketika kita tidak menyukai postingan seseorang yang kerap sangat mengganggu kita, instead of judging/sending hate speech, akan lebih bijak kalau kita gunakan tombol tersebut. Ketika kita sudah tahu mana yang perlu kita konsumsi dan mana yang tidak cocok untuk kita, justru itu adalah bentuk dari kedewasaan, self-love, dan self-care dimana kita sudah mengerti batasan diri kita atau personal boundaries untuk menghindari orang toxic atau suatu hal yang mengganggu. Begitupun kalau kita membuat postingan, don't apologize too much dengan mengatakan "Sorry kalau postingan aku bla bla bla" Just post whatever you wan...

 Loving ourselves is a simple idea but sometimes hard to do. I want to love myself, the way I wish they did. I want to know myself more. I want to love myself because I know that we can’t fully be there for our true selves or for other people when we are 'pouring from an empty cup’. When we love ourselves first then we can love people around us. I believe that when I love myself, everything will gettin’ easier, such as I can be more confident, do a lot of activity, more explore, etc. I’ve been trying to journal my thoughts and my problems, how I feel about it, what I'm grateful for the day as a form of effort to know about myself. What I am wearing when I have the best time? What I do to spoil myself? What’s my favorite thing to eat? What I love to listen to? When am I feel most at peace? What am I crave more of? I don’t want just exist, I want to live! I should get to know more about myself. What I like and dislike, what am I non-negotiable needs, what make...