So it goes...
Do you ever feel like you are always ignored as if you don't exist because you're a -weird quiet being- who doesn't respond in words but rather with a confused, nervous response?
Merasa paling beda sendiri di suatu lingkungan (berbeda dalam konotasi negatif), paling susah approached, paling susah bergaul, yang padahal orang lain itu ngga butuh terlalu banyak effort untuk melakukan hal yang menurut kita sangat sulit kita lakukan. Sad right..? When we found difficulty in the simplest or most common things in this world.
To be honest.. Everybody is just really nice to me, always approaching me first, and always trying to talk about something with me which I appreciate, but WHY is it so difficult for me to become more confident, articulate, and advanced at everything I should do, at everything that literally most people can do easily do that? Sometimes, I just feel bad for myself and for everyone around me.. And to be frankly, I don't like this part of me. Especially when people are offended by my silly nervousness and social anxiety that is creeping up on me.
This happen frequently, it began and become worst when I started college. I tried and pushed myself to go beyond my limits. I decided that no matter what happens, I am going to make some cool friends!!! And be cool like them!!! Talk with strangers like a long-time bestie!!! And have fun with my own self!!!
Did that happen?
OFCOURSE NOT!!! This is my story not American teenage drama that solve problems easily and quickly happy ending. Except for the part when I met a bunch of cool friends who doesn't really gossip so much about someone's life <3 YES! They are.
But in general, it turns out I wasn't able to be as talkative as people are supposed to be. And the worst part is when people often judged and misunderstood by my silence. Some of 'em called me rude, uninteresting to even have a conversation with (lol sorry, the damned thing called anxiety hits me and the rest is just horror and bleak), and the silliest one like 'Ikki are you ok? Why are you being so quiet? Why don't you speak?' bitch I'm currently at war with myself.
I've done research on this condition, it's most likely due to the type of childhood life yang baru ngefek pas dewasa. You know, semua yang kita lalui terutama saat masa kecil kita memang baru ngefek pas kita dewasa. Dulu we felt 'i'ts ok' if something bad happens to us but oddly kita ngga merasa sedih banget. Tapi, efeknya baru ada dan kerasa ketika kita dewasa that's why sometimes we like 'Dulu kok gue kuat banget ya ngehadepin itu' padahal ya memang efeknya baru kerasa aja karena kita sudah learns many things, seperti 'harusnya gue tidak diperlakukan seperti itu', 'apa yang dia lakukan ke gue udah melewati batas', dan life lessons lainnya.
But then I asked myself, aku coba digging myself deeper.. 'Do I really hate myself so much for being alive and aligned with this silence condition? Do I really want to push myself harder, forced and changed myself into someone else?' I wish I could, but it's just doesn't feel right because I believe I should deal with it and make peace with myself, rather than engage in never-ending battle.
When I asked myself that question, at first the answer didn't come in a blink of an eye. Of course, like.. common don't get me wrong, one more time: this is my story not some cheesy American drama that always ends happily.
But yeah to sum up, I came to realize that why don't I just be me and have fun all by myself? Let other people find it strange about me, their opinion doesn't matter as long as they don't really care about you, no?
So.. I replayed my life, melesap jauh ke lalu lalu, and I found that I never liked hanging out with a bunch of people and going to or staying in a crowded environment, that's fucked me up! Draining my energy. And I completely hate -with the whole of my heart- sharing everything about me in the first conversation. But to note! I enjoy all of those things, but only with certain peeps or close-friend who really appreciate me and respectful towards me.
And after this realization, how did I improve myself and how did I start enjoying my introverted and quite or silence aspects more? I guess I just try to be comfortable with myself and assure myself that I am quite happy in my own universe (this doesn't mean I only focus on myself and never get out of my own head lol). And what's exactly my universe? Like.. quite nights, quite mornings, bookies, cookies, peaceful morning tea, a light conversation with someone, a deep talking with certain someone, and other such small pleasures.
I don't know, in some conditions, I feel like I would rather be lost in my own thoughts rather than indulge in small or fake conversation. I would rather think about my future, new ideas, ambitions, or possibilities rather than gossip about someone I don't even know about. But still, I always want to improve my social and communication skills so that my life will be easier (at least not getting worst).
So yeah untukku dan untukmu yang dikenal sebagai orang pendiam yang NYATANYA tidak pendiam (hanya pendiam saat awal-awal/butuh adaptasi yang sangat lama atau socially awkward/uncomfortable....)
I SEE YOU
I HEAR YOU
I FEEL YOU
You are not alone and I suggest you do the same. Create your own universe in which your ambitions, passions, work, hobbies, and so on all come together to form a happily ever after palace. LOVE your silence and your OVERALL personality. I know we are all just like a spectrum of colors.. Different personalities in certain condition.
And for those of you who are aware of certain people's silence, please embrace and respect them, perhaps they are just need some times gather their confident so they can finally be comfortable around you. Everybody is not that quiet, I can guarantee they have a goofy bubbly side too. What I'm trying to say is that we just need to accept that there are people who have this so-called difficulty in becoming socially active or comfortable quickly. A little bit magic encouragement and respect will always meant a lot to them.
Slay, Serve, Survive,
@blacvorest
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